Desperately Seeking Imposter.

WANTED: Older Asian gentleman with windbreaker type jogging suit who doesn't mind wearing it in a public setting, (embarrassing, I know). My 12 year old daughter's gymnastics coach was recently arrested for smuggling pregnant pygmy elephants out of his home town near Dam Tan Bay, and the big meet is next week! The trouble is, NO COACH=NO MEET! Coach Kuchi-Gori was a snailish, hopity sort of man. Most of the other coaches never looked him in the eye much, so we should have no trouble fooling them as long as you agree to wear an eye patch and walk with a limp. You will need to yell at the girls quite a bit so it seems realistic. Say things like, "Landing no sticky, make me sicky!' No actual knowledge of gymnastics is required. Just be willing to shake the pathetic hands of many looser girls when my daughter Kerry Strug's the bejesus out of 'em. (I''ll go Tonya Harding if I have too). Anyway, if you have a beard, that'd be great. If not, one will be provided for you.If we fool the judges we might be in the market for another appearance by "Coach Kuchi-Gori" come June. This year nationals are in Scamp City, Va., (home of the waffle iron) and the girls have picked out their wigs and everything. I'd invite you to ride along with me in my mini-van but it's already full, so don't ask.

Everything has its place.

Do you have a favorite bath towel? Because I do, and I make sure to let my other towels know that. Modes of expression vary and often include the dictation of sonnets, preforming African boot dances, and/or quivering shamelessly until I'm dry. Even though I do use other towels from time to time, it's just to remind me of what I'm missing when I'm not with you, Favorite Towel. I try not to think about life without my favorite towel because I have heart palpitations and I'm running out of pills. Recently I've considered purchasing a bath robe but I'm afraid that things between us might become casual semi-serious.

How to make Al Pacino barf:

Thanks once again to the Phoenix city bus system, the birthplace of many great strokes of honorary genius, I was able to realize something today; when it comes to malodorous individuals, senior citizens are bar none, the most foul smelling creatures roaming God's green earth. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure your granny smells halfway decent after a shower, however I'd feel its fairly safe to wager that the majority of bus riders in the 70+ age bracket consider a quick wipe down with a wet nap an ample bathing regimen for the week. Whats more, I have it on good authority that the working title for Al Pacino's smash hit, "The Scent of a Woman" was actually, "The Scent of a Woman 25 and Under". Today's encounter with the elderly left me thoroughly nauseous and terrified of my impending birthday...another year closer to reeking of the odd cornucopia that is impending death. Ive taken the liberty, dear reader, of calculating the precise scent of a 70 year old woman. You can pile on the anti-aging cream and re-harness those breasts all you want, but you cant fight the truth...especially from a walker.

If you are 70 and above, you smell of the following:

Gravy

Baby powder

Raw eggs

An ace bandage

A jar of old pills

Urine

A canister of tennis balls

Sour strawberry yogurt

Calling all Martins!

Okay. So I have a plan...I have a friend named Melaine. Melanie has a fiance named Martin, and we are going to make Melanie's fiance famous! Everyone will be using his name...but i need your help.

Your job will be to take a picture of every "MARTIN" you see from here on out.

We are going to publish a book, hand out fliers, do whatever it takes to make MARTIN a household name.

I want to hear people saying things like:

Oh my god, Becky, I got super drunk last night and totally went home with a MARTIN!

or

In theory I like black guys, but it seems like I always end up falling for a MARTIN.

or

Doug is such a MARTIN!

Once we get like 100 REALLY GOOD MARTINS we will make a book and distribute accordingly. I started making a list of "What makes a MARTIN."I will share this with you now...

Martins have floppy, goofy, or non-gender specific hairstyles.

Martins become concerned about strange things at odd times.

Martins may or may not wear glasses. (They're probably wearing glasses).

Are Martins ever really comfortable?

Martins dart haphazardly.

Martins enjoy possessing objects that require a users manual.

Martins are highly allergic to something common.

Martins ask for something not on the menu at a specialty restaurant.

Martins bruise easily and require odd creams to prevent reoccurring rashes.

Martins lack a certain social lubricant.

All Martins will wear a bee keeping mask at one time or another.

Martins make an odd clicking noise in the back of their throat when they are feeling anxious.

I see many volumes of YOU'RE SUCH A MARTIN being published for years to come.

What do you think of my flawless plan?

Can I count on you not to sell my idea to the Vatican and or the Claussen pickle conglomorate?

Hit me on my beeper.