Kidnappers Delight

Since Im a 33 year old white male with a staunch brow and a machete fetish, it's pretty safe to say that although it saddens me to acknowledge this, it's quite possible that I'll never get kidnapped. I stress possible. It's just that I've spent so much time considering all the things I'd say to my potential "napper". Brain scrambling, release inducing banter that might somehow open an escape hatch to freedom. Like asking, "You're so good at this, do you kidnap people like me often? Can I get your number? Cause my  aunt Harriet would love you. Are you free next Tuesday? Will I be free by then?" I think on those really long days it would be fun to taunt..."if you don't torture me harder, I'm leaving!" and you know you're going to get sick of your victims asking, "Can I get my skin and teeth back soon?"

Other fun things to ask/tell your kidnapper:

• My landlord tied me up tighter than this when I forgot to pay my rent once...and she's 80.
• This isn't your first kidnapping? Cause it kinda feels like it is...
• Do you think you could pull my hair later? I mean, if there's time.
• (Yelled from the bottom of a deep hole dug in a remote location) Hey do you have any boardgames? Do you have any skittles? Do you wanna learn the dance I just made up?
• Can you kidnap someone else soon please? All these girls are dying and I'm getting bored...

Sobbing over salted mangos with Tonya Harding

Ogling bare-chested Nigerians. Collecting humorous beer koozies. Discovering a cask of worthless doubloons hidden inside the cave at Flopkins wharf. Gallons of hard alcohol, a new suitcase pilfered from a Korean Air turnstile each time our wardrobes or our spirits grew tired. It was easy spending that summer with you. Unfolding large bills in tiny unwashed bathrooms, using our eyes and our teeth to replenish silly tactile bits of life we knew we could never afford. I bought you a silver watch and set the alarm to 11:11pm, a time that we agreed was consistently superior to most other times of day. Bugs swarmed our tent, we relented, and found great comfort as alien ship bodies like whales swam above us. By September we realized the rumbling in our bellies would need to be addressed. I started pickling the earth elements around us and we put up a beautiful stock. You put dust and feathers into your loom. I tore pages out of books, finding details useless. We placed small deposits on custom dentures we wouldn't need for ages, but felt better about the prospect of cliff diving and crusty bread. Gypsies tempted us out of our clothes and out of the country. When I'd settled some, I sent a car around to collect our things...only to find I didn't have a car, or things. Some mix up I'm sure. I trust you'll have it sorted out in the new year.

Best,
Brad.

-Published, Eyeshot.net

How to eat your own head:

1. Start with your lips. They are close to your teeth which makes them a good place begin.
2. Move on to your forehead. It has crunchy bits that may take up to an hour to digest.
3. Try not to swallow any hair or lashes unless you like things that taste strange and give you eggy farts.
4. Open a canister of nuts. (This should be obvious).
5. Once you eat your teeth, you should be full.
6. If you are still hungry try a babies head or the head of a giant squid.

YOU JUST ATE YOUR FIRST HEAD.
Now its time to talk about how you feel.