WANTED: Older Asian gentleman with windbreaker type jogging suit who doesn't mind wearing it in a public setting, (embarrassing, I know). My 12 year old daughter's gymnastics coach was recently arrested for smuggling pregnant pygmy elephants out of his home town near Dam Tan Bay, and the big meet is next week! The trouble is, NO COACH=NO MEET! Coach Kuchi-Gori was a snailish, hopity sort of man. Most of the other coaches never looked him in the eye much, so we should have no trouble fooling them as long as you agree to wear an eye patch and walk with a limp. You will need to yell at the girls quite a bit so it seems realistic. Say things like, "Landing no sticky, make me sicky!' No actual knowledge of gymnastics is required. Just be willing to shake the pathetic hands of many looser girls when my daughter Kerry Strug's the bejesus out of 'em. (I''ll go Tonya Harding if I have too). Anyway, if you have a beard, that'd be great. If not, one will be provided for you.If we fool the judges we might be in the market for another appearance by "Coach Kuchi-Gori" come June. This year nationals are in Scamp City, Va., (home of the waffle iron) and the girls have picked out their wigs and everything. I'd invite you to ride along with me in my mini-van but it's already full, so don't ask.
Showing posts with label Scamp City. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Scamp City. Show all posts
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Desperately Seeking Imposter.
WANTED: Older Asian gentleman with windbreaker type jogging suit who doesn't mind wearing it in a public setting, (embarrassing, I know). My 12 year old daughter's gymnastics coach was recently arrested for smuggling pregnant pygmy elephants out of his home town near Dam Tan Bay, and the big meet is next week! The trouble is, NO COACH=NO MEET! Coach Kuchi-Gori was a snailish, hopity sort of man. Most of the other coaches never looked him in the eye much, so we should have no trouble fooling them as long as you agree to wear an eye patch and walk with a limp. You will need to yell at the girls quite a bit so it seems realistic. Say things like, "Landing no sticky, make me sicky!' No actual knowledge of gymnastics is required. Just be willing to shake the pathetic hands of many looser girls when my daughter Kerry Strug's the bejesus out of 'em. (I''ll go Tonya Harding if I have too). Anyway, if you have a beard, that'd be great. If not, one will be provided for you.If we fool the judges we might be in the market for another appearance by "Coach Kuchi-Gori" come June. This year nationals are in Scamp City, Va., (home of the waffle iron) and the girls have picked out their wigs and everything. I'd invite you to ride along with me in my mini-van but it's already full, so don't ask.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Focus on Green Living:
Everyday living tips for Scamp City wig dusters and other types of people dedicated to promoting a Green Lifestyle.
Here are 7 trophy-winning tips on realistic things you can do starting TODAY to up your greenability, as sent to us by Thurmond Ridgequiver, octogenarian and founder of the "Rusty Weasel Tabernacle and Smog Advisory Board" in Scamp City, Oregon.
Here are 7 trophy-winning tips on realistic things you can do starting TODAY to up your greenability, as sent to us by Thurmond Ridgequiver, octogenarian and founder of the "Rusty Weasel Tabernacle and Smog Advisory Board" in Scamp City, Oregon.
1. Sleep upside down or on your head tonight. This will not encourage any funny ideas in the minds of bats or bees.
2. Draw a sad cat. Sad cats encourage happier dreams effortlessly! Sad cats on bridges have been winning the affections of harmonica salesmen, and rum enthusiasts for years.
3. Put six dollars in a glass jar and see if anyone notices.
4. Get something dedicated to you like a book or a statue. Eventually.
5. Organize a scissor-kick dance competition. Shiny shoes get noticed.
6. Stay dressy and well hydrated. Sugary popsicles trick kids and the elderly into consuming extra fluids.
7. Make it a, “Milkbush-Wong Pleasure Cruise” in 2012!
2. Draw a sad cat. Sad cats encourage happier dreams effortlessly! Sad cats on bridges have been winning the affections of harmonica salesmen, and rum enthusiasts for years.
3. Put six dollars in a glass jar and see if anyone notices.
4. Get something dedicated to you like a book or a statue. Eventually.
5. Organize a scissor-kick dance competition. Shiny shoes get noticed.
6. Stay dressy and well hydrated. Sugary popsicles trick kids and the elderly into consuming extra fluids.
7. Make it a, “Milkbush-Wong Pleasure Cruise” in 2012!
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