Desperately Seeking Imposter.

WANTED: Older Asian gentleman with windbreaker type jogging suit who doesn't mind wearing it in a public setting, (embarrassing, I know). My 12 year old daughter's gymnastics coach was recently arrested for smuggling pregnant pygmy elephants out of his home town near Dam Tan Bay, and the big meet is next week! The trouble is, NO COACH=NO MEET! Coach Kuchi-Gori was a snailish, hopity sort of man. Most of the other coaches never looked him in the eye much, so we should have no trouble fooling them as long as you agree to wear an eye patch and walk with a limp. You will need to yell at the girls quite a bit so it seems realistic. Say things like, "Landing no sticky, make me sicky!' No actual knowledge of gymnastics is required. Just be willing to shake the pathetic hands of many looser girls when my daughter Kerry Strug's the bejesus out of 'em. (I''ll go Tonya Harding if I have too). Anyway, if you have a beard, that'd be great. If not, one will be provided for you.If we fool the judges we might be in the market for another appearance by "Coach Kuchi-Gori" come June. This year nationals are in Scamp City, Va., (home of the waffle iron) and the girls have picked out their wigs and everything. I'd invite you to ride along with me in my mini-van but it's already full, so don't ask.