The shirt off your back...

If I had to quantify my own personal fashion influences, it might be safe to say that the following could possibly be true:

I am...

• 31% Thrift Store-Goodwill, Savers, DIA...you name it, I can fabricate some type of noteworthy outfit from its bowels.
• 22% Elderly Chic-orthopedic shoes/old sweaters/vintage shorts/large sunglasses.
• 14% Plain tees and accessories-gets the job done while leaving the focus on my charming face.
• 9% Mismatching-outfits make more sense when they don’t make sense. (You follow?)
• 8% Vintage tees-Says "I'm cool" in a time-worn way.
• 7% Belt-belts have kept waists and hips separated for centuries, I’m sure there is good reason for this.
• 6% Duck Butt Hair Flips-the back of my hair is actually a part of my outfit, it's that important.
• 2% Emphatically anti-sandal-flip flops are only acceptable in the comfort of your own home. The only exceptions to this rule are 1. beachwear and 2. poolwear. Beyond that, I'm not budging.
• 1% Socks and Lotion-I wear them so they count.

From this fairly reasonable facsimile of my tastes one might be able to cipher my great esteem for used clothes; consignment, vintage, hand me downs, recycled outfits, et. al...in fact I am probably redressing myself in your likeness as we speak...and this my friends, is where it begins to get a bit interesting.

If you are anything like me, you find yourself marveling at the fashions others pour themselves into daily. I often find myself thought-quoting myself by thinking things like; "Wow, her bodysuit looks dope!", or "Holy heck, his overalls would make me look fly!" And that is why, after seeing this particular man on the bus today (let's call him Jesus because it just feels right) I ended up "kicking myself in the hoo-hole" as I ultimately neglected to barter for his finery:

Oh, whats that? Pretty drab you say? Well then obviously you don't know how to read, or haven't read his shirt very closely. Oh you can't seem to make it out? Then let me help you. It says, "Out of my way! I'm late for BINGO!" (A sentiment I think we can all relate too).

Detail: If you can't make that out for yourself try putting on your glasses upside down, or just take my word for it, the shirt was a gem. But alas, Jesus was not the most fastidious of individuals when it came to personal hygiene, and thus I had to bow out on this shirt-swap.

P.S. Yes, Jesus was carrying a box of honeydews.

P.P.S. It's a fact that the honeydew is called 'The Money Melon' because honeydew what honey-wants-to-do.

You know Gabe. Gabe's "that guy"...

Gabe, the details:

1. Gabe runs meetings.
2. Gabe walks fast.
3. Gabe wears a suit.
4. Gabe should rethink his tie.
5. Gabe looks stressed.
6. Gabe gets warm.
7. Gabe sweats.
8. Gabe has no audio visual hook up in his conference room.
9. Gabe's boss scares Gabe.
10. Gabe would like to scare me.
11. Gabe doesn't.

Gabe, the lingering questions:

1. Does Gabe know infant CPR?
2. Does Gabe have nut allergies?
3. Did Gabe notice my dimples?
4. Is Gabe aware that deers have threesomes?
5. Is there something Gabe knows that he isn't telling me?
   
   
   

On my way to the bakery...

An uncanny girl sat down next to me on the bus today. I didn't notice her entrance initially; rather she announced her presence with a wayward coiffure that gave off a distinct scent of cigarettes, coffee and tanning oil. While none of these things in their own right were uniquely rousing, their marriage was altogether arresting. Something told me that if the aroma of her hair were capable of keeping a secret, it would be that her pussy tastes like a glazed doughnut. Did I mention that I'm thirty-seven and I've never been with a woman? Also, I flunked out of pastry school.

This is a submission for, http://sixsentences.blogspot.com/, an online journal.

I feel certain of quite a few things:

1. High fructose corn syrup is causing your brain to swell. (pop, soda-cola-coma)

2. (Most) libraries have not yet banned roller-skating through them (for short-cutting purposes).

3. Chubby Badger Frozen Dinners are 40% whale shank. (per pocket)

4. Lawnmower fights get more publicity in the summer months. (Think beach house accidents)

5. Refrigerator magnets tell you everything you need to know about a person. If you can get into their kitchen, you can preform a fool proof compatibility test on any man or beast fortunate enough to keep a Frigidaire.

Do you like me?

Bus Stop Humor

Okay, I'll give it to you. To all of you whimsical Phoenix commuters with your fancy cars, racing too and fro as you please, I'll admit it. Riding the bus can be irritating. But for every twenty-nine clamorous, malodorous and mind numbingly mundane bus rides a person must endure in any given month, there is without fail one refreshingly original experience to be had, and today was my day.

Sitting in the sliver of (94 degree) shade that Phoenix city bus stops provide, I allowed my focus to settle on the discussion taking place between two (hopelessly intoxicated) Navajo gentlemen well into their 60's. The older of the two gentleman has taken his half guzzled 40 oz. out of its brown paper bag, torn away a strip of paper about the size of his fist and is folding and making small rips in it. Noticing that I am watching, the man waves me over and shows me his creation. Far from any complex origami structure, he presents the approximation of a small man wearing a hat, with dangling legs. Pretty one dimensional, one might falsely presume...

"Pull the legs down gently", he tells me.

He had folded this flotsom scrap in such a way that when you tug on the mans feet a bit, a little paper boner pops out.

Goldmine.

(funny enough to get a bus stop full of sweaty people laughing)

Newly reassured of his comic prowess and possessing our devoted attention, he decides to press his luck by rambling through with a sloppy joke about Elizabeth Taylor.

(Remember the last time you heard a sad joke?)

Ultimately I think he forgot he was telling a joke at all and maybe thought he really had met Elizabeth Taylor once when he was a boy. Although I'm pretty sure he just got drunk and watched a movie with her in it the night before. He never did find his way back to the punchline on that one, which is sad because there is a real shortage of Elizabeth Taylor jokes these days. After that, I noticed his breath smelled like urine. Or maybe he did. So he burped and then the bus came.

Sea Cow vs. Thunder Horse

Sea Cow: "Your theighs need powdering".

Thunder Horse: "Your udders have barnicles".

Sea Cow: "You mistake dog turds for dinner rolls".

Thunder Horse: "Your scrotum smells like a rusty bucket".

Tape Face

On the bus today I sat next to a man with little pieces of scotch tape all over his face. He kept turning to me and asking, without moving his mouth..."is my face falling off?" It wasn't, but some of the tape was.