I feel certain of quite a few things:

1. High fructose corn syrup is causing your brain to swell. (pop, soda-cola-coma)

2. (Most) libraries have not yet banned roller-skating through them (for short-cutting purposes).

3. Chubby Badger Frozen Dinners are 40% whale shank. (per pocket)

4. Lawnmower fights get more publicity in the summer months. (Think beach house accidents)

5. Refrigerator magnets tell you everything you need to know about a person. If you can get into their kitchen, you can preform a fool proof compatibility test on any man or beast fortunate enough to keep a Frigidaire.

Do you like me?