Kidnappers Delight

Since Im a 33 year old white male with a staunch brow and a machete fetish, it's pretty safe to say that although it saddens me to acknowledge this, it's quite possible that I'll never get kidnapped. I stress possible. It's just that I've spent so much time considering all the things I'd say to my potential "napper". Brain scrambling, release inducing banter that might somehow open an escape hatch to freedom. Like asking, "You're so good at this, do you kidnap people like me often? Can I get your number? Cause my  aunt Harriet would love you. Are you free next Tuesday? Will I be free by then?" I think on those really long days it would be fun to taunt..."if you don't torture me harder, I'm leaving!" and you know you're going to get sick of your victims asking, "Can I get my skin and teeth back soon?"

Other fun things to ask/tell your kidnapper:

• My landlord tied me up tighter than this when I forgot to pay my rent once...and she's 80.
• This isn't your first kidnapping? Cause it kinda feels like it is...
• Do you think you could pull my hair later? I mean, if there's time.
• (Yelled from the bottom of a deep hole dug in a remote location) Hey do you have any boardgames? Do you have any skittles? Do you wanna learn the dance I just made up?
• Can you kidnap someone else soon please? All these girls are dying and I'm getting bored...