Dear City of PHX H2O Co.,

To whom should I address the announcement of recognition for henceforth receiving the coveted, HOPKINS FLEMPKINS Salute to Excellence Because You Deserve It, award? Perhaps I should contact Elanore Mantooth directly? In any case, we are happily trembling in our Hanes Her Way brand feminine undergarments as we slowly announce that the city of PHX H2O Co. has been awarded third annual first place prize in the diversionary finals for the Southwest bracket of Dionne Warwick's department of aquatic management and filtration advisory board leadership conference. You'll be happy to hear you beat out other such contenders as,

-Chubby Badger Frozen Dinner Corp.
-Schitwiff Brand Biscuit conglomerate

That's enough to sneeze at!

Former winners of the 'Hopky Flempky' include:

Okra Winfrey
Ted's Rib Tickling Barn Wear
Edward G. Hamburger
Harriet Tubman
Hazel Mermelstein
Norms Gnome Hut
Flamin' Hot Cheeto Bark Flavored Stuffing Cubes
Paste
Two vegetable enthusiasts with impacted molars on a faulty tractor
A stray dog with a heart of gold
S'mores
Lucky Charms flavored fungus removal straps

As per typical congratulatory recognizership regulates, a well groomed spokesperson of your choosing shall be required to accept the aforementioned award amongst a roaring crowd of 4000 other nominees. Your spokesperson (we suggest a man) will of course know ahead of time that they've won the BLOGSKINS FORESKINS AWARD but should be instructed to act surprised and alarmed. We suggest practicing awe and excitement in a full body length mirror several hundred times before the actual engagement. Did we mention that its also going to be a gala honoring the majestic chinstrap penguin? We might serve cheese. In fact bacon has oft been discussed. Please inform your spokesperson (a woman is fine too...sort of) that the trophy we will be handing them alongside the splinter encrusted acceptance podium is purely symbolic and so clearly, they shan't be taking it home with them. (It's a quick pose for a photo and that's it). (Corporate policy).

JUST IMAGINE...

Winning the Flopkins Blumpkins award!

In addition to the global notoriety and lawless affection of your bunion ridden peers and fudge gargling fans (as per your entry form) you'll happily accept the following:

-A one week paid stay to Larry Bravo's Double Dutch Sleep Away Camp
-Free galoshes for a year
-Germy women, 24 hours a day
-German women, every fifteen minutes, every other hour
-Shrimp scampi, sometimes
-DotIndian.com trial membership
-FeatherIndian.com tote bag
-Painful manicures by Wei Wong ~bonded and insured~
-Pony rides on Tuesdays
-All the peanut brittle mouth your fragile, mismanaged dental work can handle
-Bumble Bee Orchestra season tickets
-A life sized meatloaf in the shape of Abraham Lincoln
-Complimentary dry cleaning at The Bleached Whale Laundry Shack

In closing, we want to thank you for considering us for considering you. You really are top notch, even if your stilts are bottom rung. Just remember, everyone's circus has a different plumber.

Cordially,
Squidge McTavish ESQ.