Dear Earth’s Best® Sesame Street Organic Alphabet Pasta Co.,
A Query:
A Query:
Have you ever eaten heaven one spoonful at a time? Did you like those slippery wet noodles I just fed you? Of course you did, they’re Earth’s Best®.
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Squidge McTavish, I sell vacuums. I am likely your largest fan in stature (7’2”) and in heart power (3). It just so happens that I was born with three fully functioning human hearts. If you ever turn up with a bum ticker you can contact one of my business associates and we will negotiate a swap. Barry Goldfarb handles everything. I’ve known him since he was 43 and just look at him now! If you call the office and Helen answers, hang up twice, and then meet me at the picnic table with some Vaseline and a nail.
I am writing to you because my son fell down the stairs while wondering why your ORGANIC ALPHABET PASTA has no question marks? Is this a valid question? Your organic pasta machines make the most delicious A-Z pasta this mouth hath dared to know, and I’d wager that many other noodle enthusiasts would bark in agreeance. But why? Should there not be punctuation? In my soup? Dazzling sentence ending inflection does not please you, Earth’s Best® organic pasta merchant?
Will you or will you not add question marks to your pasta agenda? I need a firm and true answer. Bush beating will not be tolerated.
I admit that the dizzying rate at which I consume your packaged noodles has caused me a great deal of shame and agony. Unable to tear myself from the flurry of swirling words and phrases dancing through my soup, I eventually lost my job and gained a little under 6 pounds. I think a few commas and question marks might serve as an indication to take a break from eating and reading the soup for me. Perhaps then I could get my life back!
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Squidge McTavish, I sell vacuums. I am likely your largest fan in stature (7’2”) and in heart power (3). It just so happens that I was born with three fully functioning human hearts. If you ever turn up with a bum ticker you can contact one of my business associates and we will negotiate a swap. Barry Goldfarb handles everything. I’ve known him since he was 43 and just look at him now! If you call the office and Helen answers, hang up twice, and then meet me at the picnic table with some Vaseline and a nail.
I am writing to you because my son fell down the stairs while wondering why your ORGANIC ALPHABET PASTA has no question marks? Is this a valid question? Your organic pasta machines make the most delicious A-Z pasta this mouth hath dared to know, and I’d wager that many other noodle enthusiasts would bark in agreeance. But why? Should there not be punctuation? In my soup? Dazzling sentence ending inflection does not please you, Earth’s Best® organic pasta merchant?
Will you or will you not add question marks to your pasta agenda? I need a firm and true answer. Bush beating will not be tolerated.
I admit that the dizzying rate at which I consume your packaged noodles has caused me a great deal of shame and agony. Unable to tear myself from the flurry of swirling words and phrases dancing through my soup, I eventually lost my job and gained a little under 6 pounds. I think a few commas and question marks might serve as an indication to take a break from eating and reading the soup for me. Perhaps then I could get my life back!
Have you ever had one of those mornings where you wake up and your first bowl of breakfast soup is like a brilliant poem about chasing a dog made of blueberries? Your noodles take me there. I eat because I’m reading, and I’m reading because I’m hungry. (I thought we agreed not to do this?)
BOTTOM LINE: Are question marks an option?
The sooner you respond, the sooner you pull the truth trigger.
Sincerely,
Squidge McTavish
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