Apology letter:

The 20$ in this envelope is for the piñata I took from your store front last night. You probably thought you hung them high enough off the ground so that most people couldn’t reach them. I’m not most people. I can assure you that I put the piñata to very good use and I can also promise you that if I had waited to come back to buy the piñata today, during normal business hours, the events of last night just simply wouldn’t have come to be and that would have been an historic disaster as far as the fate of my loins is concerned. Your involvement in this matter is of utmost concern and if by chance I have underestimated the value of your beautiful piñatas, I wish to offer my apologies and make amends. If this is the case, I would also like to beseech you sir, to stop overpricing your piñatas on behalf of others like me, who believe that beating the crap out of cute cardboard creatures should really be as cheap as it feels.

The creatures in my medicine cabinet are coming to get you...

My friends find these things to be creepy. They are barely bloodthirsty, stupids.

How to eat your own head:

1. Start with your lips. They are close to your teeth which makes them a good place begin.
2. Move on to your forehead. It has crunchy bits that may take up to an hour to digest.
3. Try not to swallow any hair or lashes unless you like things that taste strange and give you eggy farts.
4. Open a canister of nuts. (This should be obvious).
5. Once you eat your teeth, you should be full.
6. If you are still hungry try a babies head or the head of a giant squid.

YOU JUST ATE YOUR FIRST HEAD.
Now its time to talk about how you feel.

Sea Cow vs. Thunder Horse II

Thunder Horse: If we built an igloo out of bologna slices, do you think we could sublet it to a n ambitious Oscar Meyer intern?

Sea Cow: No, but maybe we could find a Claussen representative.

Thunder Horse: Hey what's that on your finger?

Sea Cow: Oh, it's a baby squirrel toy I had glued on there. I got it on old fashioned under water day.

Here's a fun thing to do:

1. Go to a McDonald's drive through.
2. Ask if they serve "squirrel cones".
3. They will think you said swirl cones and say, "yes we do".
4. Order "two large squirrel cones, please." That will come to 2.14$
5. God bless America, where you can order two portions of squirrel for about 2 stupid dollars.

Ricky Pony Sex Chat-(inspired by ridiculous Craigslist sex posts)

Ricky Pony is a fictional character living amongst the sex starved and perverse who inhabit the seedy world of Craigslist online sex encounters. He really knows how to get a guys attention...

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Ticklish: I get in your car..unzip...oops!? Do this between 7:30-8:30 am...Cave Creek rd.

RickyPony: Its not that I dont want to meet you, I DO! I just have a thing for sweatpants, is that okay? I like them pretty tight, unless you dont. Either way. I live right by a cave and im pretty big now that i take these AWESOME duck pills. i can show them to you on cave creek road between 7:30-8:30 am. i always wear the RED SWEATPANTS so you will be able to spot me. (my hair will be brushed). what do you think?

Ticklish: Nice. Stats?

RickyPony: just turned 21. blonde hair (i tuck it behind my ears). my nose fits my face nice (they say). i dont like walking and mostly run or jog everywhere I go so ive got those legs of mine, and not too much chest hair (i make sure of that!)im 5'9" and i just got out of my hot tub. i was SO drunk earlier, but then i ate some clams. that cooled me right off…

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Mandump: Like to show off my ham edge, get flarbed on. 18-40 if you like talking back thats cool too. I want to hang out by the pool ...drink beer and piss around hehe…

RickyPony: When you said that thing about the ham edge, I thought wow. Thats what im looking for! Im shy but i work out 5 times a day and weigh 195. it works for me. I like the word flarb...it makes me feel all kinds of, "lets get into the pool and drink some beer". ive never let someone piss on me before, but ive done things with 4 different kinds of jams so we can probably try it. i don’t mind a little spitting. I like pale guys or guys with long backs.

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Morningwalk: Taking my morning walk up Camelback Road. Love to take a respite while stooped to clean up after a young rooster.

RickyPony: I love sprite in the morning too (your typo was funny and caught my eye!) but that’s invaluable. I am 20 and love campbells soup. I usually have some in my RED SWEATPANTS. i have blonde hair (i tuck it behind my ears) my nose fits my face (confirmed many times over) and sleep in a twin bed. you seem nice and like you might even buy me breakfast. so buy me some breakfast. i can afford it but its nice to know someone wants to buy some for you. im not sure about all of this, but im not NOT sure of it either! I was with one other older guy once (avian librarian) and it was really nice. We motor-mouthed each other’s scab spots.

Quick post, slow pants.

A quick post today to make you aware of the "Slowest Pants in Town". These were spotted on the hips, thighs, and ankles of one of Phoenix's' finest. She was spotted on the number 29 bus shortly after 1pm. I challenge you, citizens of greater Phoenix to top my candid bus photos, if you dare. I dub today's glamour shot, Turtle Pants.