Flight 1662

No need to mince words, Dorothy was ugly. Not that sort of unsalvageable ugly, but the kind that needed a distinct amount of attention that was long overdue. Dorothy served warm cokes on cheap flights from Des Moines to Minneapolis and did so without a smile. Her voice was coated in a bubble gummy airline fluff that made your stomach turn regardless of turbulence. She also had the ankles of an eighty-five year old wheelchair enthusiast. Despite all this, Dorothy did have the accuracy and persistence of a tenth grade math Olympian who had dedicated her life to the 4-H. She was more than enough stewardess for one plane and we all remained seated for the duration of the three hour flight despite our wavering bladders and irrational urges to stroll. Even after it happened, I doubt if anyone could have anticipated Dorothy’s tumble. From our urine soaked chairs we looked on in awe as she reclaimed the cabin and delivered the remaining beverages her thirsty passengers had ordered, never alluding to her spill. God damnit, Dorothy you’re tough. Are you Polish or something?

NAME...THAT...SNOUT!!

(Click to enlarge)

You can tell a lot about a person from the curve of their schnoz and the scheen of their whiskers...take a crack at this snout quiz. A score of 100% gets you a place in my Farm Quiz Hall of Fame. Go with your gut and...

NAME

THAT

SNOUT!

Two degrees of Louie Anderson

Picture me if you will, sitting next to an adorable little black lady on the bus today doing my best to ignore her nonsensical ramblings and simply bump corny white jams digitally into my own private ears. The truth is, this task proved too hard to master for ol' Squidge for two obvious---ish reasons. The first of which was that ol' girl was literally under 5 ft tall. Adding to her brain twisting appeal was what must have been two and a half full tubes of Krunch brand DEP designer styling gel that she had applied generously to her grapefruit sized head. Oh, and also she was fucking insane. Eventually I removed my headphones, conceding to her draw upon my attention at which point she began to tell me how last night she was at a party with "uh, you know, that white guy...uh, he's real funny...Louie Anderson, yup." Quite out of no where a tall, bony, long haired, gothtard boy boards our bus. In an instant she forgets all about Louie Anderson's Country Fried Buffet Party (safe assumption) and she screams out, "OH HELL NO! THAT BOY LOOKS LIKE A DRAG QUEEN, DON'T HE"?!

I started laughing pretty hard.

She offered me a bite of her half eaten tamale.

I declined.

Something tells me that she really was at a party with Louie Anderson last night though...also...didn't Louie Anderson die?

...a conversation overheard recently at an Anger-Pissing workshop:

-“I pissed on him because his friends were in town”.

-“I pissed on him because the air freshener he bought smelled like wood chips”.

-“I thought the woodchippy scent would mask the urine! Like in a rat cage or a ferret room…”

-“Oh my God! WE have a ferret room! Sometimes we pee on each other in there too :)”

-“Hey you guys? We agreed to only talk about anger-pissing. That sounds like a pleasure piss to me”.

-SILENCE-

-SILENCE-

-silence-

-Time for lunch! They’re serving kielbasa and jam!

-That’s my favorite…

-Hey, don’t I know you from one of those Circle-K rolling wiener retreats?

-No, but I’m real comfortable around wieners.

-GULP.

Handsome Smirk

This is a (lifelike?) drawing I did of the boy I fancy. Ain't he cute? I like the way his teef and hairs set the tone....and those aren't boar tusks so just stop asking, okay?

Pick Me!

You bet your last nickle I was startled when the nutty grey haired loon sitting across from me on the bus leaned over and wiped her scabby red booger on my shirt. She called me Leroy and told me I deserved it and then twisted her ankle as she hurried off the bus. I proudly wore that booger like a brooch for the rest of the afternoon. It dangled from my breast pocket like a war medal, signifying my ability to cultivate crazy in the most common of conditions. My bus pass doesnt expire till 2012. I should probably invest in some really good laundry detergent or at least carry a wet nap.

Classiness is:

-wearing your pajamas to dinner
-pooping with your bathroom door open
-turning a dust pan into a fancy hat
-going down on Herb Salzman at the Vancouver juggling expo.
-break dancing in a pool of your own blood
-winning a meatloaf shaped like Abe Lincoln in a "cake walk"
-sandy bubblegum
-using poodles instead of tampons
-any excuse to skip a shower
-hand washing your urine stains
-a Lard Puppy Moon Bounce Yachting Club membership
-a pocket full of cake
-a front page cameo in Slammer Magazine
http://www.slammernews.com/back_issues/Phoenix.SlammerVol1Issue21/index.html
-listening to an Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas album in July in a blow up pool, drinking bud lite, topless, with your fence blown down
-a vagina that doesn't need tending too

HOW CLASSY ARE YOU?